Parenting Without Guilt: Reclaiming Joy and Self-Worth

Parenthood can be a challenging phase for many. Thanks to social media, parenting has become such an over-amplified word that it constantly plants self-doubt and guilt in many. In this hyper-connected world, we are continually bombarded with so much information that parenting can often become a quite overwhelming role. It always seems as though parents are not doing enough, we’re not providing enough experiences, and the ‘not enough’ list seems to be unending.  

In all this, does anyone check with the parent(s) to see if they’re doing okay? Everyone wants to hold the child, but who holds the mother/ parent?

A parents’ self-confidence matters

Despite their best efforts to devote time and energy, at times, parents can feel swamped when they see other children score better marks than their own and are more well-behaved or accomplished, which plants immense self-doubt about how they will ever get it right as parents.

In fact, when disciplinary issues arise, a parent’s self-confidence takes a hit. People seldom realise that parenting is not a singular role; it is not in a vacuum. It involves several factors, and parents are putting in a lot of effort to give their children the best they can. While children are still young and seldom realise the efforts and challenges their parents put in, it can become a very lonely journey for some parents.

No one is to blame—it’s just how it is, especially since children are too young to understand. However, as parents, we can certainly make an effort for ourselves, just as we do for our children.

There is no guide or standard operating procedure (SOP) for parenting as every child and parent is unique. No number of books, videos, or reels can prepare you for this role. It’s a continuous trial and error, learning, relearning, and unlearning, and it’s both humbling and rewarding.

Making personal/ professional choices as a parent

There are moments (mostly as a mother) when you’re expected to make a choice – be it personal or professional and it may not align with what your child wants. You try your best to avoid rocking the boat, yet guilt will creep in slowly and steadily, making you feel less worthy, and your self-confidence will plummet.

When I started out my career afresh more than a decade ago, I was a single mum. Thankfully, living with my parents helped a lot. I had to restart my career from scratch. After online consulting for the initial few years when she was little, I finally decided to take up a full-time role when my daughter turned four. I would leave for work early by dropping her off at school so I could come back as early as possible in the evening.

However, despite my best efforts, work always seemed to spill over at the last minute, and I would be home by 9 PM or 10 PM, often finding her fast asleep. My parents would pick up my daughter from school, looked after her and take her to the park to play. For those four months, I was hardly around for my daughter.

The guilt kept building as I was made to feel miserable at work; even though I was the first one to arrive at the office and gave my 100% at work, and the toxic work culture was so unforgiving that I was often scowled at if I left on time.

I couldn’t continue for more than four months, as it took a toll on my work-life balance as work kept increasing despite my best efforts to balance everything. Since my daughter needed me, and we needed each other, I had to quit my job as my work culture wasn’t supportive, despite me reporting to a female boss who was a mother herself. It hit my self-confidence hard, and the guilt resurfaced. I so badly wanted to restart my career but I failed and it hit my self-confidence real bad. And I’m sure, such episodes are not limited to women employees only, even men go through this.

Opting for a daycare – a difficult yet wise decision

I could never have a conventional career like most women. While I knew I was, and still am, capable of doing so much more, being a single mum and balancing work and home was challenging.

Work-from-home roles were a boon for single mothers like me. I set a routine for myself, as my daughter would return from school by 11 AM during her pre-primary years, which coincided with the peak time of my work.

Even though I worked from home, I needed a few hours of quiet, dedicated time to wrap up my work for the day. Otherwise, once she returned from school, she would be on my lap most of the time while I tried to work or attend a work call. It became a lost call, and finally, after several months, I opted for a daycare.

Thankfully, the daycare centre was in my neighbourhood, just half a kilometre from home. So, once she played there, I would get all my work done for the day and pick her up by lunchtime. As she grew older and made friends, she enjoyed staying longer for the evening playtime. That took a huge load (guilt) off me, and it allowed me to wrap up work, attend meetings and then pick her up by 5PM/ 6PM when she’s done with her play and activities.

Then, once we were both home, after freshening up, we would do our homework, have an early dinner, and spend time in our room playing, colouring, and listening to music. I would also read books to her. We would play bedtime games, giggle and tickle, and we both felt restored.

I would often feel guilty about dropping her off at daycare, but it was necessary. If I had to stand back on my feet again, I had to make these choices.

Friends and family who had children, especially the mothers, often rolled their eyes at me and said they would never leave their child at daycare – as if it was something very disgusting to do! It made me feel terrible, as if I was doing something wrong. However, a routine was something that helped both my daughter and me; we got to do things we both loved in our separate spaces and when we were home, we were 100% together. It helped us balance life and expectations.

It takes a village to raise a child – I found that village

They say it takes a village to raise a child, and when I was a single mum, the universe sent me that village.

From my parents, as the most trusting caregivers while I had to travel for work, our trusted house helps who worked with us for over two decades, my friends in the neighbourhood whose children and mine went to school and various classes together, and we pitched in when it came to either of us being away for any medical or work emergencies and most importantly, the founder and principal of the school-cum-daycare Wiz Kids International School in Mumbai, where my daughter would go, Chanda Rajini, she has been my pillar of strength and courage.

Chanda took extra care of my daughter upon realising how lost and guilty I felt about leaving her for a few hours so I could work. Whenever I would break down in her office, she would comfort me like an elder sister. I still remember what she told me; her encouraging words were, “…because a mother has to go back to work…” and she would always tell me, “Never feel guilty about doing your job – your well being comes first, Tanya. If you want to simply head to a spa and relax, that’s perfectly fine. You owe it to yourself. Take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of your daughter.”

She was so kind to me that when my daughter made a very good friend at the daycare, Chanda opened her school (It’s a cute row house with a play area and all under CCTV monitoring as well) along with the whole staff on a Saturday, just so that the two girls could play. Her advice to me was, “Go, Tanya, meet a friend, go watch a movie and have lunch. Enjoy your Saturday. I’m here to take care of your daughter.”

Had Chanda never pushed me to be myself, I wouldn’t have gone as far. Today, thanks to the support from the ‘village’ where my parents, friends, my then partner, now husband and Chanda were an integral part of the village, I relaunched my life. For all the difficult steps I took, despite being burdened with guilt from over a decade ago, they have paid off generously now.

What parental guilt has taught me

My experiences taught me that parental guilt takes us nowhere; it sabotages growth and progress.

When I would meet friends (fellow mothers), some of them would often say, “I love pineapple pastry, but my child doesn’t; that’s why I don’t bring it home.” Or “My husband and I haven’t been out in ages for a quiet dinner as our children don’t appreciate it.” Or “I love watching this show, but my daughter never gives me the remote.” Or “I want to talk to a friend, but my son keeps taking away the mobile.” Does all this sound familiar to you?

Well, it usually starts with something as small as a pastry, a date night with your spouse, or the TV remote until it starts to affect the parent by burying their wishes, likes and dislikes for too long.

If we just set some simple self-respecting boundaries at the start, like, “I love this pastry, I’ll get this flavour, the rest can order theirs”, it can do wonders. Or taking time out with your spouse for a monthly movie or lunch date while the child is at school or college is totally legit (if you don’t want to leave them at a daycare or don’t have trusted caregivers, such as parents or in-laws.

If we don’t address parental guilt at the right time, it’s bound to spill over into one of the most precious relationships we have, that’s with our children.

Remember, the child’s first social interaction is with the parents. If the parent is constantly operating from a space of stress, guilt, or not enough, it is bound to spill over to the child. And if and when the child doesn’t respond appropriately, we tend to go into a spiral, thinking that despite all our best efforts, why is the child not positive towards the parent?

Children learn more by observing than by what we teach them. They observe our body language, what we say, and how we react in a time of crisis, and they will mirror us. That’s why it’s far more crucial to address what’s lacking from our end rather than trying to fix the relationship with the child.

Self-love, self-forgiveness, and compassion towards self are not fancy words; they’re real.

If we aren’t kind and compassionate towards ourselves, how can we tend to a child who is still figuring out how to regulate their emotions? We can’t pour from an empty cup, can we?

The risk of being overtly child-focused

Sometimes we’re too obsessed with our children’s welfare but seldom take heed to our own.

Drawing an example from the in-flight oxygen mask that we have to wear first before attending to someone else, this is something that parents usually fail to do.

To raise happy and content children, we must first be happy and content ourselves. Be a beacon of self-love and not sacrifice. If we have a growth mindset, it will be reflected in and passed on to our children.

As in the teachings of Bhagwat Gita, one of the most practical guides for life and living, while we love deeply, we should not lose ourselves in the process of any relationship. Any healthy relationship is one where we aren’t consumed entirely by that relationship. Our relationship should allow us to thrive, grow and evolve together.

The 7-Day Parent-Focused Workshop

Having observed and worked closely with people over the past 21 years—and drawing from my training as a Parent-Child Attachment Play Practitioner (UK) and in Faber/Mazlish Workshops (USA)—I’ve come to a simple yet powerful realisation: Parents need nurturing and support too.

Building on my learnings as a certified Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Practitioner & Master Practitioner, and Therapeutic Art Life Coach, I’ve designed a 7-day Parent-Focused Workshop at The Write Compass that goes beyond just parenting—it’s a parent-focused/ parent-first mentorship program.

Join us as we work together daily for a week on specific areas of life that we often park aside, as the role of being a parent takes a toll on us. We’ll revisit some aspects of life and learn to put ourselves first, guilt-free.

Remember, we cannot pour from an empty cup, but to fill our cup, we must do so mindfully, positively, and guilt-free. We owe this to ourselves, too, and not lose ourselves in the process. Once we set ourselves on the path to self-love, gratitude and growth, parenting can be far less challenging and overwhelming as our children will learn to appreciate us for our happiness.

Often, parenting is rooted in fear and insecurity. If we work on self-growth, parenting can be far more enjoyable for us.

Please note that this is not a gender-based, finger-pointing session. I believe that both parents, single parents and caregivers of children face challenges, and gender stereotyping can only lead to polarisation and blame games; and we don’t want that.

The idea is to empower one another as we owe ourselves, first and foremost, the love and forgiveness we deserve. Once that cup is full, we can pour that love into our children.

References:

• Parental guilt or shame
• Parental guilt and children’s internalising and externalising behavior: The moderating role of parental reflective functioning
• Working Mothers: Good mothering, Parental Guilt and Work Volition
• The parent–child relationship and child shame and guilt: A meta-analytic systematic review
• 7 Lessons from Lord Krishna That Can Transform Your Relationships
• Parenting Guilt: The Parent Trap